Family issue need advice

[Deleted]

Oct 14, 2017 23:29:47 GMT bob said:

This sounds like something a kid would do. I did this as a young teen. I had no access to cash at all, so I'd occasionally steal it from parents. Sometimes it was just for school lunch money. I wasn't buying anything bad, it was just the only way I could get money until I got a job at 15.  

Later, I became a parent. And I had a very different policy on money. If my son wanted something, I'd discuss it with him and get it for him. He is very spartan, doesn't spend much, has always asked for very little. So that worked ok.

I believe that teens (or immature twenty-somethings) steal is because they have all the needs of adults, but none of the resources. So they take money from the adults. Next time, leave the camera on so you really can prove he did it.

I'd also suggest stealing something back and telling him, "his friend must have done it."
You can also ban his friend from the house 'cause he's a thief.

It's frustrating. My brothers and sisters don't steal from each other or my parents now that we're all adults. But they also have behavioral challenges.

Ultimately, get as much distance as you can. That's what works best for me.

Pray for him. 

Yeah, blaming the friend is likely the way we're going to continue handling it, which sucks because the friend is actually a very nice kid. But he denies stealing it, so I laid it out there for him. I think he's actually going to just let his friend take the fall for it and get past it like that.

The narcissism thing is right on point in this case. No matter what you say or what you do, he's right and you're wrong. Everyone else is stupid. He isn't treated fairly and he's the victim. He actually called my sleuthing a stupid hobby and went into a tirade about how it's obvious why I never get dates, anything he can say to get me to leave him alone he will pull out.

That's the behavior that worries me most, particularly the lying part and how far he will take the lie, which is an insanely disturbing character trait no matter what age you are.  

[Deleted]

Oct 15, 2017 1:43:02 GMT winters said:

You guys are so nice. I'm a lot harsher... as I've gotten older, I've completely lost my sense of humor for people who lie, cheat, steal, make me feel bad, or intentionally cause drama. Family or not, I've cut several of them out of my life. You're actually a better brother to him if you look out for YOURSELF first. People like that can start out taking pocket change, then "borrow" a car, then put your name on a loan, etc.

"Tough love" is still a form of love, and you can love your brother but not accept any of his crap. You don't need to prove that he took the money if you know that he did. Your stuff and your space is not a court of law -- when it comes to what kinds of behaviors you'll accept from your brother you're the sole judge, jury, and executioner

Believe me when I say it's gotten to that point. His father and I do not have the best history, until I was emancipated at 16 or 17 and moved out, we could not get along about anything and it got out of hand quite often. I'm probably going to vote to have him kicked out of the house but I know it won't fly too well. Anyway, my family is really small, just him and our mother, making them the only family I have that I connect with so cutting him loose is pretty hard to wrap my brain around.

Speaking of 'catching' him, I almost set up a camera that day because I knew he'd do it. I seriously had the camera in a hiding spot and the battery charged and mem card wiped. But then I didn't do it. I just set the 100$ down, rolled up, walked away thinking 'Welp, bye bye money'

I wish I had set the camera up so I could have posted it on YouTube to embarrass the hell out of him as awful as that sounds lol. Easiest way I've learned to punish a young person today is to mess with their self image, something that will apply here when I get another chance.


Thanks again guys. I feel much better about this now. You guys are all I have to talk to most days

[nick]

I think there are a time and place for a total cut off when a family member does these type of things but I do not know the history between the two of you. You need to try to get him to accept responsibility and admit the wrongdoing this is the first step to attempting to save the relationship if it can indeed be saved. Mistakes are made and sometimes they can be forgiven but only after admission can it move on. Explain this to him and then very clear sets of rules and expectations need to be set up and understood by both of you and also establish what the result will be if it is violated without any confusion on either of your parts. Then you can have him take responsibility for attempting to earn back trust and respect from you and it is his job to do this not yours! You are the victim and he needs to remember that every day before he decided on any action that may harm the relationship. Set the rules and move slowly if he violates the rules then follow through with whatever you aid it would be and stick to your guns staying strong.

[Mitchell]

Sorry to hear of your troubles, Murdoc.

If you want to you can put a better spin on it, he only took twenty. At least he has the decency to steal in moderation.

Stealing is bad, ummkay. My dad used to leave bags of money around the house, deposits from his restaurants with no hesitation. No one ever considered that it could be pilfered.

There isn't enough said about shame. It is a very powerful emotion or feeling state. I feel like our culture is moving toward a more accepting, non-judgemental, completely shameless point of no return. Everything should be celebrated or understood instead of chastised or looked down upon.

I had a great dad. A lot of people are not as fortunate. I never wanted to disappoint or let him down about anything. The shame would have been too much to handle.

The other aspect of this crime is the lying. Such betrayal. To look someone in the eyes and lie to them is unforgivable. To me. You may move forward together and maintain a relationship, but never forget the lies.

[bob]

It also sounds like you have a very different dynamic.

Here's an example: I have a little sister, and I think of her as a little sister, but because she is much younger, she thinks of me as another mom. She's even said this.

I'm betting you think of your brother as a younger brother. I'm guessing he sees you as more of a step-parent or a foster parent or foster brother. Ask him which of these categories best defines your relationship. It will make the dynamic clearer to you.

And "step-parent" is a role you should back out of.

Keep him at a distance that reflects the relationship you have: like the distance you would keep a neighbor at, or the distance you would keep a co-worker at, or a teacher, or a foster brother. You decide the boundary, but imagine a proxy to help define the distance.

[cleopatra]

Oct 15, 2017 1:43:02 GMT winters said:

You guys are so nice. I'm a lot harsher... as I've gotten older, I've completely lost my sense of humor for people who lie, cheat, steal, make me feel bad, or intentionally cause drama. Family or not, I've cut several of them out of my life. You're actually a better brother to him if you look out for YOURSELF first. People like that can start out taking pocket change, then "borrow" a car, then put your name on a loan, etc.

"Tough love" is still a form of love, and you can love your brother but not accept any of his crap. You don't need to prove that he took the money if you know that he did. Your stuff and your space is not a court of law -- when it comes to what kinds of behaviors you'll accept from your brother you're the sole judge, jury, and executioner

I know this is old news by now, but I just came across this thread now.

I'm with Winters on this. I was the biggest pushover my whole life, and such an enabler. I just always wanted to help out people I loved and wanted them to be happy. But I sure learned the hard way.

I've been taken for rides by my sister, a close cousin, my middle son, a nephew,two ex-boyfriends, a best friend and a coworkers. I finally started to put my foot down and create bounderies. When bounderies didnt help, I cut them out of my life. It got to a point where it was my sanity, my life, or an endless pit of never-ending helping. They were sucking the life and finances out of me.

Everyone eventually te-entered my life, even if it took years. We're closer, happier, and there is a lot of respect now . Well, maybe not everyone. But that's ok.