To speak or Not to speak

[Hot Mess Express]

I'm not discussing names here.  However, I would like to address a repeated question that I see here often. Just my thoughts, take it or leave it.  I don't want to ruffle anyone's feathers.  I simply do not understand how the immediate family (ex wife, daughters) believe that their silence is serving them well.

The sooner the family speaks, the sooner that their story will be yesterday's news. 
NOT SPEAKING leaves the door of speculation WIDE open, causing;
questions of what they may be hiding
skepticism of their knowledge and involvement
an appearance to be unsympathetic to the questions of the victims and their families. 

I know that SH made two BRIEF statements  with a 'less than' sincere apology to the victims before asking for HER own privacy (in writing nonetheless).  I MYSELF, with (if) nothing to hide, would want to make sure that I could at least have SOME control of the narrative of what others know and say about my family.  They will never be free from what JJD did.  If I had the chance to represent my family as sympathetic, AND answer some questions, and maybe help the victims fill in some blanks...although difficult....that would be the honorable thing to do. Surely it would also get the monkey of press/web sleuths/curious minds, etc. off of their backs.  I KNOW that they too are victims here who lost their dad and ex husband.  I know that they have a right to stay quiet.  I cannot imagine all of the chaotic loss and sadness that they must be feeling.  None of us can understand that.  But I can't help but think that if they would do an interview or interact somehow with the public, there would be less mystery, less intrigue and less interest.  Bonnie (after being wrongly portrayed in the press) certainly controlled her own narrative by speaking out and she's now seen as this brave, beautiful woman who chose NOT to be his victim and also embraced the victims, befriending them and speaking out against JJD's actions.  It has served her well.  

[highway]

Bonnie sure did help everything about this case. The family should do the same. Maybe they think it will all go away? Probably not as it is such an horrific case, or they may be waiting for the book deal ie BTK. Just my opinion from reading for years.

[V]

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

[Red909XMZ1]

Nov 9, 2020 12:50:38 GMT V said:

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

Thank you, V, for your compassion and wisdom.

Boy, this cannot be stated enough, in my opinion. The family does NOT owe anyone anything.

It is beyond insulting to them to expect that they do.

They are victims, too, and everyone should remember that before they cast expectations or judgment of any kind.

[johnnyhands1]

Nov 10, 2020 7:11:35 GMT Red909XMZ1 said:

Nov 9, 2020 12:50:38 GMT V said:

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

Thank you, V, for your compassion and wisdom.

Boy, this cannot be stated enough, in my opinion. The family does NOT owe anyone anything.

It is beyond insulting to them to expect that they do.

They are victims, too, and everyone should remember that before they cast expectations or judgment of any kind.

  If they cooperated with the investigation - that's the only thing I'd expect out of them.  I get the impression all relatives cooperated, though I don't know for sure.  As far as baring their souls in public, I agree, they (and SH especially) don't owe us that.  

That said, I do appreciate the insights those family members who do wish to share have given us (bassman3232, Angela-Kay, Jim Huddle.)  It's their decision.

The California Public Records Act will dictate what investigative information should be withheld from the public.

[paulienyc84]

Personally, if my father was a serial killer, serial rapist and child rapist I'd prefer to stay out of the limelight.  Being that his daughters weren't even alive during most of the crime spree, I doubt that they have anything to say that would be beneficial to anyone.  And even if they did do an interview, it would be the same questions that were asked of other relatives of serial killers: Thinking back on the father that he was, how could that same person commit these heinous crimes? Were there ever any signs that he was a serial killer? Was your father ever violent? What kind of childhood did you have? What was he like as a father? What's your relationship like with him today? Do you still love him? Do you forgive him?

[htx]

Nov 11, 2020 8:45:40 GMT paulienyc84 said:

Personally, if my father was a serial killer, serial rapist and child rapist I'd prefer to stay out of the limelight.  Being that his daughters weren't even alive during most of the crime spree, I doubt that they have anything to say that would be beneficial to anyone.  And even if they did do an interview, it would be the same questions that were asked of other relatives of serial killers: Thinking back on the father that he was, how could that same person commit these heinous crimes? Were there ever any signs that he was a serial killer? Was your father ever violent? What kind of childhood did you have? What was he like as a father? What's your relationship like with him today? Do you still love him? Do you forgive him?

Right? I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be in their shoes. JJD was a monster, yes, but to his girls, he's their dad, and to learn that the dad they've known and loved (and who, by all accounts, showed fatherly love to them) for their entire lives actually had this unfathomably horrible secret life would be absolutely devastating. I can't imagine how one would be able to even begin processing that, let alone trying to go public with those feelings and putting their name and face out there for all the world to see. Doing so would only further connect you to the awful things he'd done, which you had never known anything about, and from that moment forward, that would be the first thing anyone googling you would know about you.

[Red909XMZ1]

Nov 12, 2020 15:08:04 GMT htx said:

Nov 11, 2020 8:45:40 GMT paulienyc84 said:

Personally, if my father was a serial killer, serial rapist and child rapist I'd prefer to stay out of the limelight.  Being that his daughters weren't even alive during most of the crime spree, I doubt that they have anything to say that would be beneficial to anyone.  And even if they did do an interview, it would be the same questions that were asked of other relatives of serial killers: Thinking back on the father that he was, how could that same person commit these heinous crimes? Were there ever any signs that he was a serial killer? Was your father ever violent? What kind of childhood did you have? What was he like as a father? What's your relationship like with him today? Do you still love him? Do you forgive him?

Right? I can't imagine how difficult it would be to be in their shoes. JJD was a monster, yes, but to his girls, he's their dad, and to learn that the dad they've known and loved (and who, by all accounts, showed fatherly love to them) for their entire lives actually had this unfathomably horrible secret life would be absolutely devastating. I can't imagine how one would be able to even begin processing that, let alone trying to go public with those feelings and putting their name and face out there for all the world to see. Doing so would only further connect you to the awful things he'd done, which you had never known anything about, and from that moment forward, that would be the first thing anyone googling you would know about you.

Outstanding post, Htx!🎖️🌟👑

[starsky]

Nov 9, 2020 12:50:38 GMT V said:

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

So the assumption is their silence has nothing to do with his crimes. I don't buy that. If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something? I know I would be horrified, and do my best to express sympathy and sorrow, and even try to help the victims. The public has every right to suspect family members who are silent are hiding from something, or proud of JJD. Growing up we had a German neighbor who was silent about WWII. But later in life he boldly declared his love for Hitler.

[V]

Nov 12, 2020 16:58:46 GMT starsky said:

Nov 9, 2020 12:50:38 GMT V said:

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

So the assumption is their silence has nothing to do with his crimes. I don't buy that. If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something? I know I would be horrified, and do my best to express sympathy and sorrow, and even try to help the victims. The public has every right to suspect family members who are silent are hiding from something, or proud of JJD. Growing up we had a German neighbor who was silent about WWII. But later in life he boldly declared his love for Hitler.

What I would or would not do doesn't matter. The public has no right to suspect anyone without evidence, they can if they want but it is wrong to do so. It is the job of the police to investigate and charge people with crimes. They have not been charged with any crime relating to the EAR/ONS case. Until that happens it isn't really our business to worry about what they will or will not say. 

I don't understand the analogy about the German neighbor. Are you saying every German from that time must convince you they hate Hitler otherwise they are Nazis? If JJD's family says they were not involved would you automatically believe them on their word alone? Probably not. Their lives are being picked apart through no fault of their own. They are probably remaining silent to weather the storm of people who won't leave them alone even though the man responsible has been captured and convicted. 

[starsky]

Nov 12, 2020 17:48:37 GMT V said:

Nov 12, 2020 16:58:46 GMT starsky said:

So the assumption is their silence has nothing to do with his crimes. I don't buy that. If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something? I know I would be horrified, and do my best to express sympathy and sorrow, and even try to help the victims. The public has every right to suspect family members who are silent are hiding from something, or proud of JJD. Growing up we had a German neighbor who was silent about WWII. But later in life he boldly declared his love for Hitler.

What I would or would not do doesn't matter. The public has no right to suspect anyone without evidence, they can if they want but it is wrong to do so. It is the job of the police to investigate and charge people with crimes. They have not been charged with any crime relating to the EAR/ONS case. Until that happens it isn't really our business to worry about what they will or will not say. 

I don't understand the analogy about the German neighbor. Are you saying every German from that time must convince you they hate Hitler otherwise they are Nazis? If JJD's family says they were not involved would you automatically believe them on their word alone? Probably not. Their lives are being picked apart through no fault of their own. They are probably remaining silent to weather the storm of people who won't leave them alone even though the man responsible has been captured and convicted. 

Well, we obviously disagree. It's all about freedom of thought. The public has every right to make internal judgments about anyone they want. The morality of it depends on the motivation--am I intending harm in some way (slander or abuse), or am I interested in truth and justice. As for the police in this case, we all know where that ended up, and why so many are cynical. The German neighbor has the right to be silent, and I have the right to make a judgment based on that. Love can coexist with suspicion, which is what happened. The neighbor was still a neighbor we loved, and he loved us, until he passed on. You're welcome to reply, but I'm not continuing down this rabbit hole.

[V]

Nov 12, 2020 19:18:21 GMT starsky said:

Nov 12, 2020 17:48:37 GMT V said:

What I would or would not do doesn't matter. The public has no right to suspect anyone without evidence, they can if they want but it is wrong to do so. It is the job of the police to investigate and charge people with crimes. They have not been charged with any crime relating to the EAR/ONS case. Until that happens it isn't really our business to worry about what they will or will not say. 

I don't understand the analogy about the German neighbor. Are you saying every German from that time must convince you they hate Hitler otherwise they are Nazis? If JJD's family says they were not involved would you automatically believe them on their word alone? Probably not. Their lives are being picked apart through no fault of their own. They are probably remaining silent to weather the storm of people who won't leave them alone even though the man responsible has been captured and convicted. 

Well, we obviously disagree. It's all about freedom of thought. The public has every right to make internal judgments about anyone they want. The morality of it depends on the motivation--am I intending harm in some way (slander or abuse), or am I interested in truth and justice. As for the police in this case, we all know where that ended up, and why so many are cynical. The German neighbor has the right to be silent, and I have the right to make a judgment based on that. Love can coexist with suspicion, which is what happened. The neighbor was still a neighbor we loved, and he loved us, until he passed on. You're welcome to reply, but I'm not continuing down this rabbit hole.

But it's not ethically right to make judgements on people without the proper evidence. We agree that this happens all the time, but that does not make it right. It just makes it reality. That being said they are under no obligation to speak if they have no involvement. Indeed, to speak now would be to make the public spotlight worse. They likely want it to pass as much as possible so they can salvage some sort of normal life which their father/husband ripped away from them through no fault of their own. 

Let them be. If any of them wants to speak out they will. If not, it is none of our business. 

[htx]

Nov 12, 2020 16:58:46 GMT starsky said:

Nov 9, 2020 12:50:38 GMT V said:

If they had nothing to do with his crimes then they don't need to speak. They don't owe us anything.

So the assumption is their silence has nothing to do with his crimes. I don't buy that. If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something? I know I would be horrified, and do my best to express sympathy and sorrow, and even try to help the victims. The public has every right to suspect family members who are silent are hiding from something, or proud of JJD. Growing up we had a German neighbor who was silent about WWII. But later in life he boldly declared his love for Hitler.

His daughters and his wife ARE victims in this. No, they aren't victims in the same way as those who suffered his horrible crimes, but their lives have been absolutely upended and crushed by the revelation that their father, and Sharon's husband, the man they long loved, did these unspeakable things. They don't owe us an apology; in fact, if anyone here is owed an apology, it shoud be them, for people like you implying they had something to do with his crimes.

[elir]

Nov 13, 2020 15:09:36 GMT htx said:

Nov 12, 2020 16:58:46 GMT starsky said:

So the assumption is their silence has nothing to do with his crimes. I don't buy that. If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something? I know I would be horrified, and do my best to express sympathy and sorrow, and even try to help the victims. The public has every right to suspect family members who are silent are hiding from something, or proud of JJD. Growing up we had a German neighbor who was silent about WWII. But later in life he boldly declared his love for Hitler.

His daughters and his wife ARE victims in this. No, they aren't victims in the same way as those who suffered his horrible crimes, but their lives have been absolutely upended and crushed by the revelation that their father, and Sharon's husband, the man they long loved, did these unspeakable things. They don't owe us an apology; in fact, if anyone here is owed an apology, it shoud be them, for people like you implying they had something to do with his crimes.

This discussion answers your question:

"If JJD were part of your family, would you be silent, or would you say something?"

Some might speak up, some might not.

Not everyone reacts the same way to painful and tragic events.

[justasking]

If they don't speak, it's frowned upon. But if they did speak, their words would be scrutinized paranoiacally to find something suspicious in what they said. Basically, they're damned if they do and damned if they don't. Maybe they feel that it's less inflammable and damaging if they stick to the omission, instead of entering an uncharted territory to walk on eggshells.